|monkey's conscience|

I simple song that strongly resonated with me

Sat, 26 Dec 2009 02:21:01 GMT

Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

"I'm Alive"

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, when there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 04:46:46 GMT

It is quite possible my relationship has failed. I can't figure out why I can't convince myself to go to bed at a decent hour to get enough sleep. I need a new workout partner.

turn around

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 20:14:27 GMT

Every so often I venture back to this journal to rant or rave about something. It usually involves an issue that I don't fully process with my family or friends and I often find the entry to be a starting point in dissecting complex questions (to me at least).

When I started to raise a child I had not expected how isolating it would make my world. During my past relationship I seldom was offered plans that could involve him, and that lead in part to us not doing much at all during the day. During those last five years I realized also that if it were not for my brother and his wife including me in their family and friend events I would have been isolated. I don't have the benefit of having any of my old friends sharing in this experience themselves. It is a rarity, I found out, for men to want to raise kids. I have slowly made friends with couples who have kids, but they are still few and far between. When my brother and his family moved overseas over a year ago this became even more painfully apparent. Not necessarily because I didn't and couldn't find much to to with my little one... I often have things to do with him, but rather because I have had enough time to process how I am seen by my friends. There are few invitations, few get togethers, and when they go out, I either cannot make it or I am not counted for the daytime events, as if the evenings were ok to call me since the little one is asleep, but not during the day, where I may ask to bring him along. This is an oversimplification, but does contain the essence of what I mean.

I have very little free time outside of work. I also have not adapted well to being outside my former rugby years. I often weigh the practicality of stepping out twice a week and leaving him with a relative whilst I rejoin it for what I would see as pure fun.

And fun is something that leads me to want to write this. I felt it trivial until recently this notion of needing to be around your friends, of feeling appreciated... it did seem to be as a self-serving state of being. I could be content by my own, I'd think. I was wrong.

I am taking him out to the park, and enjoying the day. That I can do without much effort. On the matter of seeing my friends during the day, there is not much I can do about that if they are uninterested in including me in their events. I might as well think forward and find different circles to meet those needs. What makes this a disappointment is that I have failed to make my biggest life transition mesh the evolving life of my friends.

wiser

Thu, 24 Jan 2008 05:56:12 GMT

You know,

I go to bed every night at midnight or 1 am. In the morning I am tired, I tell myself I will be going to sleep earlier to catch up, and by the evening, this does not seem to matter to me. This happens every single night. There is some problem with my will and resolve.

It may well be that I have only the evenings as my alone time, and I overindulge in being able to unwind and vegetate on some tv.

I thought about all of this and that expression "he completes me" came to mind. Is that what people experience when they live with someone else? some sort of balancing that happens, where one person complements on the other half's weaknesses?

I certainly sleep on time on my saturday outings to VA with my other half.

This has to really be on my head. Talking myself into a sleeping routine is not rocket science...is it?

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 04:34:47 GMT

You know, I keep typing, selecting and erasing my entries. It's a bit strange to think of where to start or what to say when I haven't written anything in such a long time.

Chris just turned four. He misses his two baby cousins. My brother and his new family just moved to Chile for two years (they left a sling box connected to my tv line which I have yet to figure how to configure). After they left I realized I know no parents with kids. Well, aside from a few couples I see hanging around at the park down the hill.

There have to be some gay parents out there. right?

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 05:42:08 GMT

Man, I should be asleep.

friday night

Sat, 14 Apr 2007 05:22:50 GMT

Aside from a brief workout and a chilled time at the park, the day went quietly. It's past 1am and I am not set on a bedtime that makes sense. Well, I want 8hrs, and I wake up at 7, so why am I up at 1am.

I have trouble rationalizing what the hell is going on. A house eternally in progress, stalled school work, a semi transparent half.

Fucked up. So, if I ignore all this crap it bites me in the arse later on. I just have to deal with one issue at a time and I won't go bonkers.

ok. Forget the house for now.

school's next.

maybe he'll come by tomorrow. Who the hell knows.

gym

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 15:42:09 GMT

I need to find a workout partner

back

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 05:16:31 GMT

I haven't written in a long time. I was satisfied until recently with my own reflections and not committing anything to "paper".

Things changed. I moved to Takoma Park. I have been raising my nephew for over three years now. My other half and I just marked three years together. My family is half functional, half lost. I don't get to see most of the people I use to know.

This journal will serve the one purpose I considered I had in myself. The forum to allow me to digest, speak out aloud all that goes around my head. I sometimes cannot process everything, and there is no sense in continuing this slow maddening drip of water over my head.

Scrum forms - monkey ready to start

Galvanize - the chemical brothers

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 06:36:46 GMT

(Don't hold back)
cuz you woke up in the morning with initiative to move,
so why make it harder

(Don't hold back)
If you think about it so many people do, be cool man, look smarter,

(Don't hold back)
and you shouldn't even care, about the losers in the air,
and their crooked stares,

(Don't hold back)
cuz there's a party over here, so you might aswell be here,
where the people care,

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

Galvanize,

(Don't hold back)
If you think about it too much you may stumble,
trip up fall on your face,

(Don't hold back)
You think it is time you get up fresh style
like a sit-up come on keep pace

(Don't hold back)
Put apprehension on the back burner,
let it sit, don't even get it lit,

(Don't hold back)
Get involved with the jam,
don't be a prick, hot chick

(Don't hold back)

The World

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World

My finger is on the button
My finger is on the button
My finger is on the button
Push the button
The time has come to...

Galvanize

Fri, 07 Jan 2005 01:12:54 GMT

When I counted up my demons,
saw there was one for every day
well, with the good ones on my shoulders
I sent the other ones away.

So if you ever feel neglected,
and if you ever think all is lost,
well I'll be counting all my demons, yeah,
hoping that everything's not lost.

When you thougth that it was over,
you could feel it all around
when everybody is out to get you
but don't you let it drag you down
cause if you ever feel neglected
if you think that all is lost, ah yeah,
well, I'll be counting all my demons
hoping that everything's not lost.

if you ever feel neglected
if you think that all is lost
well, I'll be counting all my demons, yeah
hoping that everything's not lost

Singing out
o yeah (x3)
I know that verything's not lost,
So come on yeah, o yeah,
come on yeah,
I know that everything's not lost,
O yeah, (x3)

Everything's not lost,
So come on yeah, o yeah,
Come on yeah (x2)
O yeah, Come on yeah,
Everything's not lost, Sing out yeah,
Come on yeah (x2)
Everything's not lost,
Come on yeah, o yeah,
Sing out yeah,
Everything's not lost.

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 16:59:43 GMT

Early in the morning risin' to the street
Light me up that cigarette and I strap shoes on my feet
Got to find a reason a reason things went wrong
Got to find a reason why my money's all gone
But I got a dalmatian and I can still get high
I can play the guitar like a mother fuckin riot

Life is too short so love the one you got cause you might get
runover or you might get shot
Never had to battle with no bulletproof vest
Never start no static
I just get it off my chest
Take a small example
A tip from me take all of your money and give it up to charity
Lovin's what I got
It's within my reach
And the sublime style's still straight from long beach
It all comes back to you you're gonna get what you deserve
Try and test that you're bound to get served
Love's what I got
Don't start a riot
You feel it when the dance gets hot

Loving is what I got
I said remember that
Loving is what I got
I said remember that

That's why I don't cry when my dog runs away
I don't get angry at the bills I have to pay
I don't get angry when my Mom smokes pot,
hits the bottle and goes back to the rock
Fuckin and fighting it's all the same
Livin' with louie dog's the only way to stay sane
Let the lovin come back to me

Loving is what I got
I said remember that
[...]

Thu, 13 May 2004 05:03:32 GMT

this is now all about determination.

i can't flinch. she started calling, asking for a place to sleep. mom told her about the warrant. she shrugged "...hm,, ok" and hung up.

she has two choices... turn herself in or stay out there, living off her friends.

i'm not thinking about how she's doing. I;m focusing on what i have to do. I have to stay on course. that's the best thing I can do.

end line.

progress report

Wed, 05 May 2004 04:11:12 GMT

33% done with question 10

still have to do question 11

I completed 50% of queston 12 (a prop budget)

overall, moving along.

but damn, i wanna go to bed.

this is due 5pm tomorrow.

progress report

Tue, 04 May 2004 04:48:35 GMT

due Wednesday 17:00

assignment: 12 sections

progress as of now: question 6, Smith's 3-circle diagram

24/7

Mon, 03 May 2004 17:48:45 GMT

working on my final paper, due wednesday night.

no more distractions...block off family, friends, dogs wanting to go outside.

too much time wasted

joy

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 23:24:33 GMT

3rd time she calls in a week

3 times i have the police at my house

fucking ridiculous

3:16

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 07:17:39 GMT

insomnia. i require something to make me sleep. i need someone.

motions

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 23:45:38 GMT

mom is talking to the ins tomorrow to make arrangements. she spoke to my sister briefly today and asked to see the baby one last time before she left the country. i think that's best. she is barely composing herself. this ordeal has been by far the worst my sister has put us all through.

i pray that child is well.

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 16:20:27 GMT

my sister called and spoke to my mom. she said her new family loves her and the baby and that we drove her away by telling her how to raise her child.

she is transferring all her state and federal aid for her and the child to the new house. she said I was violent and that is proven by the bruises she had on her neck, arms, and chest.

i will contact the officer who was here over the weekend and ask if she can in fat make these claims legally. I never touched her. I held her down on the floor as she went crazy and was throwing punches and kicks.

families can hold through most challenges in life. today i made a decision to write off my sister. she is no longer.

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 07:07:56 GMT

it's three in the morning...i cannot sleep....do you know where your kids are?

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 01:39:59 GMT

angela took christopher away this evening around 20:30. my brother and i spoke to the girl and guy who drove her there. I spoke to the guy, and easily he told me about angela and her bruises and her tale of me beating her.

we have his contact information. he was pleasant.

i hope christopher is fine. I hope child services get to her soon.

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 19:34:07 GMT

Monday morning we head over to the courthouse with christopher. we're told by the officer and clerk that they can't do very much until we have information on the father. further, we ca attest under oath we don't now where the father is, but the system can't move forward until Child services comes to interview us tomorrow morning.

marcelo arrived from new york a bit after noon. luisa, his wife, got a call from angela saying she was on her way over to pick up the baby. when luisa started talking to her, angela hung up the phone.

we called everyone we could from home. i called my old office and spoke to the attorney there. he was kind torefer me to a child custody specialist. she should be back in tomorrow.

knots in my stomach. keeping cool. waiting for her to get here. mom's losing it every now and then. it's a no-win situation.

end line.

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 05:57:39 GMT

it started with her telling us that she was taking a walk around the neighborhood. She had done it many times before, the difference was the precept that she could leave with the baby at any time she wanted. She had been talking about it all week, as the GED exam date approaches. The downswing of her depressing was palpable.

I decided to touch base briefly before I arrived at home. I talk to mom who tells me she's walking around and should be home soon. I try her over and over, and eventually some guy answers the phone. He's standing outside the mall in ballston commons, holding her phone, waiting for her and the baby to come out. I request that he keeps the phone on until she comes out of the mall. It takes some thinking to keep myself from yelling at this guy. Who the hell is he?

I call and cancel my plans with Anthony and Norman. Funny, this is the first social get together they get me into and I'm bailing flat out "...hey, sorry, my sister and the baby are not where they said they'd be, it's getting dark, and I gotta get them at the mall"

I drive over there, call, and wait at the door. She comes out with Christopher. The 12 minute drive back is tense, my voice raises, and so does hers. I tell her that it's dark and cold, she won't answer her phone, she has a baby and she doesn't consider who else might be worried. She is tired of being told she's not a good parent, and she is leaving the house with the child.

Somewhere in between my mom is now home waiting in front of the house, and the air is heavy. We go upstairs, and soon it starts again. She is belligerent, crass, and doesn't care at all that she goes out with the child and does what she wants, and tells no one. She says she is leaving the house with the child and staying over her friend's house... and she refuses to say who's house.

She was not leaving the house with the child. mom takes him away, and she becomes hysterical. I remember exactly this scene from the first time it happened. That was when I woke up from the fact that angela is not balanced. She smacked me on the face with all her force, kicked and screamed, and threw punches. She was completely out of control. She yelled loud, and my parents called the police. The officers asked me to release her, asked her questions, something like that. Later I was following the ambulance that carried her to the hospital for psychiatric evaluation.

It was happening over again. The yelling, rage coming across her eyes, throwing punches and kicking, yelling for help. the police, to let her go. She called 911. They have been in my virginia house at least twice before. I keep her in my room until they arrive. There we go. They tell me to release her, separate us. This time I'm not trembling or shaken, just upset. I keep my composure, and I think my voice betrays me a bit. It trembled in a few words. The female officer questions me on what happened. I give her the 7-year history of problems, her running away from home, her bipolar down cycle. I keep the information to the necessary facts.

The male officer eventually rejoins her and confers in the hallway to verify my mother and my sister's version of events. The conclusion is that she can in fact leave the house, but that given the scenario, the baby would be referred to child services if she did not have a better place than her "friend's house" to go to for the night. She said eventually she would leave for the night and leave the baby. The officers speak to us candidly that their hands are tied. She can leave, she can take the baby, and if/when she does so, it takes more than a police call to contest custody.

The course of action suggested was to move full force with opening a file with child services. They will apply a set of enforceable norms regarding the welfare of the child, and angela's limits on what she can do to him and where she can live with him. In other words, we hope that they will predetermine that unless she has a home to go to, a babysitter to take care of the baby when she's at work, and money to feed and provide for him, that she can be consider unfit.

The officers left, angela packed, and left for the day. She took a cab to a friend's house. She said goodbye to the baby for the night.

Tomorrow we begin the formal complaint. It's the only legal alternative we have now.

This is a tragedy for my sister. She is land-mining her life. I don't know if she will take her GED exam on monday. I don't know if she'll take christopher from this house. We already know we cannot stop her. We'll try to delay this from happening until the paperwork with child services is complete and an agent is sent to the house.

My sister's life is down the drain. I decided that I am no longer concerned with her as I was. The baby is my focus and I will go full force against her and the father for custody.

This is as real as I thought it could possibly get. I know what I have to do-it just feels so permanent and irreparable. I wanted to help raise christopher, not to be fighting for his legal custody with my sister. This will cause her from splitting from the family, living with friends, working a mediocre job, not getting her high school education, screwing up her life.

I'm keeping it together. I will have to see this process through. They will stay with me longer until the situation is resolved. My mother does not have the fortitude to handle this on her own.

Beer Test - from a friend's email message

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 18:56:10 GMT

Recently, University scientists released the results of an extensive study based on the discovery that beer actually contains female hormones. The theory is that since beer is made of hops, which contain phytoestrogens, that drinking too much beer can actually turn men into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary to validate this theory