Kenny Chesney & Dave Matthews

"I'm Alive"

So damn easy to say that life’s so hard
Everybody’s got their share of battle scars
As for me I’d like to thank my lucky stars that
I’m alive, and well

It’d be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I’m alive

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessin' can’t you see
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I’m alive, and well
I’m alive, and well

Stars are dancin’ on the water here tonight
It’s good for the soul, when there’s not a soul in sight
But this boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I’m alive, and well

And today you know that’s good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing can’t you see
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
Now I’m alive, and well
Yeah I’m alive, and well

It is quite possible my relationship has failed. I can't figure out why I can't convince myself to go to bed at a decent hour to get enough sleep. I need a new workout partner.

Every so often I venture back to this journal to rant or rave about something. It usually involves an issue that I don't fully process with my family or friends and I often find the entry to be a starting point in dissecting complex questions (to me at least).

When I started to raise a child I had not expected how isolating it would make my world. During my past relationship I seldom was offered plans that could involve him, and that lead in part to us not doing much at all during the day. During those last five years I realized also that if it were not for my brother and his wife including me in their family and friend events I would have been isolated. I don't have the benefit of having any of my old friends sharing in this experience themselves. It is a rarity, I found out, for men to want to raise kids. I have slowly made friends with couples who have kids, but they are still few and far between. When my brother and his family moved overseas over a year ago this became even more painfully apparent. Not necessarily because I didn't and couldn't find much to to with my little one... I often have things to do with him, but rather because I have had enough time to process how I am seen by my friends. There are few invitations, few get togethers, and when they go out, I either cannot make it or I am not counted for the daytime events, as if the evenings were ok to call me since the little one is asleep, but not during the day, where I may ask to bring him along. This is an oversimplification, but does contain the essence of what I mean.

I have very little free time outside of work. I also have not adapted well to being outside my former rugby years. I often weigh the practicality of stepping out twice a week and leaving him with a relative whilst I rejoin it for what I would see as pure fun.

And fun is something that leads me to want to write this. I felt it trivial until recently this notion of needing to be around your friends, of feeling appreciated... it did seem to be as a self-serving state of being. I could be content by my own, I'd think. I was wrong.

I am taking him out to the park, and enjoying the day. That I can do without much effort. On the matter of seeing my friends during the day, there is not much I can do about that if they are uninterested in including me in their events. I might as well think forward and find different circles to meet those needs. What makes this a disappointment is that I have failed to make my biggest life transition mesh the evolving life of my friends.

You know,

I go to bed every night at midnight or 1 am. In the morning I am tired, I tell myself I will be going to sleep earlier to catch up, and by the evening, this does not seem to matter to me. This happens every single night. There is some problem with my will and resolve.

It may well be that I have only the evenings as my alone time, and I overindulge in being able to unwind and vegetate on some tv.

I thought about all of this and that expression "he completes me" came to mind. Is that what people experience when they live with someone else? some sort of balancing that happens, where one person complements on the other half's weaknesses?

I certainly sleep on time on my saturday outings to VA with my other half.

This has to really be on my head. Talking myself into a sleeping routine is not rocket science...is it?

You know, I keep typing, selecting and erasing my entries. It's a bit strange to think of where to start or what to say when I haven't written anything in such a long time.

Chris just turned four. He misses his two baby cousins. My brother and his new family just moved to Chile for two years (they left a sling box connected to my tv line which I have yet to figure how to configure). After they left I realized I know no parents with kids. Well, aside from a few couples I see hanging around at the park down the hill.

There have to be some gay parents out there. right?

Man, I should be asleep.

Aside from a brief workout and a chilled time at the park, the day went quietly. It's past 1am and I am not set on a bedtime that makes sense. Well, I want 8hrs, and I wake up at 7, so why am I up at 1am.

I have trouble rationalizing what the hell is going on. A house eternally in progress, stalled school work, a semi transparent half.

Fucked up. So, if I ignore all this crap it bites me in the arse later on. I just have to deal with one issue at a time and I won't go bonkers.

ok. Forget the house for now.

school's next.

maybe he'll come by tomorrow. Who the hell knows.

I need to find a workout partner

Current Music: Everything's Not Lost-Coldplay-Live 2003

I haven't written in a long time. I was satisfied until recently with my own reflections and not committing anything to "paper".

Things changed. I moved to Takoma Park. I have been raising my nephew for over three years now. My other half and I just marked three years together. My family is half functional, half lost. I don't get to see most of the people I use to know.

This journal will serve the one purpose I considered I had in myself. The forum to allow me to digest, speak out aloud all that goes around my head. I sometimes cannot process everything, and there is no sense in continuing this slow maddening drip of water over my head.

Scrum forms - monkey ready to start

Current Music: Everything's Not Lost-Coldplay-Live 2003

(Don't hold back)
cuz you woke up in the morning with initiative to move,
so why make it harder

(Don't hold back)
If you think about it so many people do, be cool man, look smarter,

(Don't hold back)
and you shouldn't even care, about the losers in the air,
and their crooked stares,

(Don't hold back)
cuz there's a party over here, so you might aswell be here,
where the people care,

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

The world is holding back
the time has come to...

Galvanize,

(Don't hold back)
If you think about it too much you may stumble,
trip up fall on your face,

(Don't hold back)
You think it is time you get up fresh style
like a sit-up come on keep pace

(Don't hold back)
Put apprehension on the back burner,
let it sit, don't even get it lit,

(Don't hold back)
Get involved with the jam,
don't be a prick, hot chick

(Don't hold back)

The World

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World
The time has come to -
Push the button

The World

My finger is on the button
My finger is on the button
My finger is on the button
Push the button
The time has come to...

Galvanize